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My First Blog Post

The unravelling

Push Past

Here’s some things to know about me so you can judge whether this blog is for you:

-I have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I am both diagnosed with and help in the treatment for others diagnosed with BPD along with all other mental health conditions although i have been unable to return to work after maternity leave.

-I am a single mum. My daughter’s Father has met her for a whole half an hour of her life.

-I am very self aware and constantly working on this and self improvement. It is a daily struggle, as by God do i have a lot of issues. My mind is constantly in conflict and i am always over-analysing.

-I don’t always have healthy coping mechanisms (hello brain-numbing MJ) but on the otherhand i consider myself to be a very wholesome mother. I do love trying to make my shitty studio flat that i share with my baby into as homely a home as possible. I love cooking (new fan of the slow cooker here!), healthy eating, cooking for my baby, play activities, and exercise (usually after spending a few days talking myself out of doing it) .

-I have never had a successful romantic relationship and it’s a huge issue of mine that i have been constantly trying to work on. I have had a string of terrible relationships and heartbreak behind me.

-I like to make a joke out of most of my experiences and hope my sense of humour will come through in this blog even though i am FAR too dry for my own good sometimes.

-I hope this blog will help others as well as myself x

Filling that void

The chronic feeling of emptiness that comes with BPD.

Look inside yourself, what do you see? I see a whole lotta nothing. To be more specific, i see a whole lotta nothing but with ‘things’ kinda of on the sidelines, fighting , unsure which will dominate.

Who am i? What are my values? What are my likes/dislikes? Am i shy and awkward or loud and confident? Do i like or dislike certain people? Do i want to do good or do want to bad in this situation? Do i believe that person is right or wrong for their actions?

I wish i knew. I wish i knew who i was. I wish i was one of those strong, confident, self-assured people who are consistently THEM no matter the situation or person they are faced with. Instead, i feed off of others’ and try to give them a version of myself i think they will like and accept. I hate myself for it. It is exhausting. There’s only so far you can go with pretending to be a character you’re not. I’ve been faced with so many situations in the past (when i used to get wasted enough to go out all the time) and the fear of having different groups of friends/acquaintances together as they all knew a different version of me. I dealt with that by drinking far too much and dabbling in party drugs. People who seen me out got the complete opposite side of me than my introverted, self conscious, unsociable self.

With the emptiness comes the need to fill it with whatever I can. It used to be drugs and alcohol, I would have NO limits. And you know what? I was bloody good at being the party girl 🍻 I got myself in far too many situations with guys that I’m completely ashamed of now.

Now, I’m a Mum. I am needed and responsible for this tiny human being who seems to love me like I’m the only person in the world. Its given me an identity. I know, people say that being a mother shouldn’t be your identity but for once I’ve found an identity which will be consistent for the rest of our lives.I am confused as to whether I want to continue my role as a mental health nurse, as before I felt I needed that role to feel purpose and to feel achieved.

Back to the point: filling the void! I feel ashamed to say that I am now a daily binge eater. Eating and smoking are my thing now. I’m worse in the evenings, after my baby’s went to sleep and I can finally relax. I have no stop point and I want my mouth and belly to feel completely full, not just satisfied. Its disgusting the amount I eat. I’m watching my weight go up weekly. Don’t get me wrong, I exercise and try to get out the house every day with my baby. I just love food and filling my face with it.

I will post up some info around this when I get the chance to next, as it’s something I really need to work on!

Watching Atypical on Netflix, it’s hitting me hard!

I’m watching Atypical on Netflix, has anyone else seen this? Is anyone else getting the OMGIHAVEAUTISM feels? I’m finding it painfully relatable! BPD is so difficult; there are so many different parts to it, the obsessive side, the impulsivity, intrusive thoughts, anxiety, depression, trauma-related issues, self esteem issues, identity issues, emotional rollercoasters, constant internal conflict and cognitive disonance. (OK, that was just a breakdown of my day, let’s get back to business 😆. I jest!).

I know that not everyone’s experience of BPD is the same and i am aware that we all have individual journeys and experiences and our symptoms present themselves in different ways. Back to my ponderings whilst watching Atypical, I have wondered for quite a while if i could get diagnosed with Autism. From my online reading of BPD communities i gather i’m not alone in this. I would really love to hear others’ thoughts and experiences of this! From the top of my (scrambled) head the similarities i have noticed are definitely in social interactions and reading people (i often wonder how i do the job i do), i feel like i would really benefit from a manual. I work best under rules and following a procedure – i will nail that task, but as soon as something goes outwith those lines i go in a major panic. If i’m feeling particularly anxious which can be often, i definitely relate to the sensory overload and need to block things out. I hate change. Having a baby has challenged me in every single way – im still going through the process of accepting my new life, and my baby is constantly changing so much and it just puts me into a headspin until i get used to it again. One particular thing that i found difficult in the “too close to home” stakes were Sam’s outbursts. I seen myself in him each time the only difference being that i now have more control to stop myself from acting out angrily when something irritates me…instead i play it all out in my head and internalise it all…. we’ll go onto the emotional repression another time 😋. Can anyone else relate? It is on my massive TO DO list of things i need to work on.

https://www.autismresearchtrust.org/news/borderline-personality-disorder-or-autism
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5590952/

Introduce Yourself (Example Post)

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You’re going to publish a post today. Don’t worry about how your blog looks. Don’t worry if you haven’t given it a name yet, or you’re feeling overwhelmed. Just click the “New Post” button, and tell us why you’re here.

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Because it gives new readers context. What are you about? Why should they read your blog?
Because it will help you focus you own ideas about your blog and what you’d like to do with it.

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Why are you blogging publicly, rather than keeping a personal journal?
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If you blog successfully throughout the next year, what would you hope to have accomplished?

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